Well, it seems, as I get caught up in all the things of late, that I've forgotten that this blog is dually serving as both a place to be profound (if I can) and a place to write random stuff on occasion.
So, my mood this evening: sullen, strangely nervous, and slightly cynical.
If you wanted to know, that is...
Anyway, just some things happening in life right now...
I realize I'm not growing any younger. Hmm. And my siblings are growing up too fast for me to try to keep track...I'll be going off to college in two years. My parents, the wonderful, hard-working people that they are, are sometimes a little more tired in the evenings now than they were when I was little. Grandma's dementia gets worse day-by-day...we are trying a new medicine on her now, to see if it will help her depression...though I'm doubting it will do anything for the language that seems to spew so naturally from her mouth. I miss my older siblings terribly. I miss my little nephews, and my niece whom I haven't gotten the pleasure to meet yet. I miss seeing the beauty in their innocent, smiling faces, and laughing with them.
I wish I could find an amazing book series to plunge into right now...and just totally lose myself in a fictional world....any suggestions, friends?
Additionally, school, basketball and social things are taking up so much of my time I feel rather like there is little or no time for God...
One week I focus on basketball, yet it tips the scales of my life out of balance, and suddenly...I'm not seeing my friends often enough, or I don't accomplish hardly anything in school. It goes all three ways: the moment I focus on one thing, there is never time for anything else. There is hardly any time for a lot of things I used to do...like....knit, for example. I used to knit and crochet and quilt. I used to read at least six chapter books a month, and practice the piano. I used to....actually...write. Several times a week. And have fun doing it.
But it seems I never can do these things any more.
Am I simply not prioritizing, or scheduling well? Or does this perhaps indicate that I need to take up some of my old hobbies again?
I really don't know.
In any case, I'm not trying to sound pathetic. I'm just being honest.
I would really, really just love to go on some sort of retreat or something for teens. Maybe up in Steubenville. I don't know. I just feel like when I pray, it's a rushed, quick little night-prayer before bed...a Hail Mary, an Our Father, the Angel of God prayer...I don't understand what's wrong with me. I love God. I love my Catholic Faith. I love learning about the saints and angels. Yet sometimes I can be so....numb. Complacent. Selfish. I can't grow closer to Christ acting like that. So, my friends, I guess I'm asking, will you please pray for me?
And I, in turn, will pray for you.
Here's my hope though: we never know how God works in the hearts of men. Maybe He has something amazing planned for me that He is revealing slowly.
But I will not be pulled away from Him by stupid and pointless things. I refuse to be.
So, God. Work in me. Do with me whatever You will.
And I will be patient...I will have to be.
